Toilet Training – Why is it such a struggle?

Your child need to be ready physically and mentally for toilet training.

Ask a group of parents for tips on toilet training or potty training and you will hear a collective groan. It seems to be a task hated right across the western world.

Why is this?

You’ve probably noticed by now that your busy little toddler has strong ideas about what he or she does or doesn’t want to do.

They are very good at letting you know all about it, too!

Unfortunately, toilet training is one of the things that they often don’t want to do. Like any behavior you’d like your child to change at this age, it takes a mixture of firmness, kindness and persistence – and a few bribes can be useful – to get results.

Before you even start potty training with your child there are some things you need to know:

You can’t force your child into potty or toilet training

This is a time for gentle coercion and positive feedback, not force or fear. If you can make the whole idea of using a toilet or potty seem wonderful your child will be knocking you down to get to it. Well, not really but you do have to make it seem like a really good thing to learn to do.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes for a moment.

Exactly what is in it for them? Not a lot really. At the moment your child is racing about in a comfy, highly absorbent diaper or nappy and little details like bowel movements really have no impact on their play. If it all gets a bit smelly or unpleasant mum or dad is quick to take care of it and gives lots of cuddles and attention at the same time.

Swap that for sitting by yourself on a towering, cold seat in a dark cave all the way down the end of the hallway…not likely!!

Your child must be physically ready for Toilet Training

Your child’s body has some pretty complex maturing of nerves and muscles to do before he is able to control toileting. Until these changes occur there is absolutely no point trying to train your child. It will be a stressful and disappointing experience for you both.

Physical maturity usually occurs somewhere around the age of two years.

Yes, I know your Great Aunt Gladys; your neighbor’s sister; and the postman’s wife all had their kids sitting on the potty by the age of six months. You are safe to ignore them and here is why:

This very young toilet training is all down to a reflex action. It goes something like this – you eat a yummy lunch of mashed pumpkin and rice pudding, mom puts you on the potty, tummy is full so it’s time to go to the toilet.

This automatic reaction starts to wane at around one and a half to two years of age, the same time that physical maturity brings self control and awareness into play. So I bet Great Aunt Gladys failed to mention that her kids all had relapses around the age of two and had to be trained again?

Some Questions to check off

Will you use a potty or an insert in the toilet?

Here’s a checklist you can use that may help you to gauge whether your child is ready to start toilet training or not:

• Does your child ever tell you when she is wet or soiled?
• Does your child ever seem uncomfortable with they are wet or soiled?
• Does your child ever ask to use the potty – hey, the brainwashing is working!!
• Does your child have long periods where they remain dry?
• Is your child ever dry after a daytime sleep?
• Does your child tend to have bowel movements at around the same time every day?
• Can your child follow a series of instructions?

If you can answer yes to a couple of these and you feel confident your child is mature enough to try potty training, then you can move onto the next step with confidence. Just don’t rush it.

Before you start Toilet Training

A little bit of planning and good advice can help to reduce the frustration that often accompanies potty training. Start brainwashing your child – oh, alright then, maybe ‘brainwashing’ is too strong a word. Say ‘educating’ if you want. But what we really want here is to build up some interest and excitement in your child about the joys of being independent and using the toilet. Your child has REALLY got to want to try!

Here’s how to do it:

• Buy or borrow some books on the topic of toilet training. Include them regularly in your daily reading pile.
• Leave the door open when you go to the toilet so your child can see it’s not a scary, mysterious place to be. Don’t be squeamish about this. It has real positives for your child and it won’t be forever – as kids get older just about everything adults do is gross and you’ll be surprised how quickly your kids start insisting you close the door.
• Talk about going to the toilet in a positive way. Say things like “I was speaking to Aunty Kate today and she says Jessie doesn’t need nappies during the day anymore. Isn’t that fantastic?!”
• Buy a potty so your child can see what it looks like and get used to it. They may play at going to the toilet on it; they may use it to play with their toys. Even if they decide they would rather use the big toilet from the start, it’s handy to have a low, on the floor type potty for your child to experiment with in the lead up to training.
• Buy one of those dolls that can “wee” and show your child how to help it to go to the potty. You can use any toy for this really. Just hold teddy over the potty and pour a little water in. If it’s all going well you can take them right through the steps from “Oh, I think I need to use the potty” to pulling down clothes, “weeing”, wiping, pulling up clothes, tipping contents into the big toilet and washing hands.
• Start this process at least a month before you hope to try training your child. Two or three months would be even better. . Don’t make a big deal out of it, or use any pressure. Just make it something that is part of everyday life.

The best time to start Potty Training is:

• In summer – no cold toilet rooms; your child wears less clothing or even pants off!
• When life is pretty quiet – no visitors, no new babies, no one is sick, no stress.
• When your child shows an interest.
• When you and your child are getting on well.

Don’t start toilet training just because everyone says you should. Or because you want it sorted before you all go on holidays. Or because all the other kids in playgroup are.

If it’s too stressful. If your child is being really resistant and no amount of cajoling, story telling, peer pressure, praise, or treats work, then give yourselves a break!! Maybe it’s still too early. It’s no failure to stop for a few weeks, or months and try again later. Each time you and your child try, your child learns more. They can build up their confidence and their sense of control grows.

In the meantime, keep reading them stories on the subject of going to the toilet or potty (what child doesn’t delight in anything to do with 'poo' or 'wee'?) and let them overhear conversations about how their friends are going with their toilet training.

Make sure you praise any little visitors who can use your toilet. Make it a positive thing.

BUT NEVER, EVER make comments like “See? Jason is only 2 and he can use the big toilet. Why can’t you do that?” Besides being incredibly hurtful for your child you’ll just increase their resistance to trying. Your child isn’t stupid. Let him overhear the praise for Jason using the toilet and work out for himself that maybe potty training is not such a bad thing after all!

Your child will work it all out in their own time.

Yes, it’s time consuming. Yes, your child will test your patience to the extreme. Yes, there will be messes, accidents and tantrums – your child may throw a couple, too!

Just remember that you will both survive it.

What do you think?

Find out what other parents think about toilet training. Read feedback from other parents here…

Thank you to the parents who provided the feedback on toilet training girls. It is always helpful to hear good advice from other parents.

It would be great to hear from more parents of boys too. If you have any experience with potty training boys that you would like to share, please use the feedback form...

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