Talking to Teens – Are You Speaking The Same Language?

Do parents really need a reminder that talking to teens is the way to maintaining a relationship?

No...And Yes!

All the information here is commonsense stuff. You may do all or some of it already. This thing is, of course, that sometimes we need reminders to do what we know is right, especially if things aren’t going as well as we’d like.

There are 3 big steps you can take to making it easier for your teenager to talk to you.

1. Be Available and Easy To Talk To

Your teen will make mistakes or do things you’d rather they didn’t. When they need to tell you about something difficult or bad:

• Try to control your emotions.

• Work through it on a fact basis.

• Ask them what they are going to do about it.

• Ask them what they want to have happen.

• Ask them how they think it should be handled.

2. Listen to Your Teen

• Stop what you doing and focus on their story.

• Don’t correct their grammar or censor them.

• Join in with “What happened next…? Then what did you do…? That sounds…?

• Give them time to talk. If there is a break in what they are saying, resist the temptation to fill in what you think the missing word or phrase is.

• Let them find their way of telling you.

• You wouldn’t like it if your own conversations where constantly interrupted

3. Don’t Pick at Every Little Thing

As long as the house rules and rules on safety and morals are adhered to, it’s best to back off on the non-important areas and let them find their own way.

Teenagers tend to feel parents are always trying to control them and nag them. Sometimes they are right.

Nagging has a very detrimental effect on any relationship, particularly when you are talking to teens. Be clear with your teen that you will not nag them, that you trust them to do the chores they have agreed to do, get themselves ready for school, etc, without nagging BUT that it is their responsibility to follow through or face the consequences.

For example: If your teen doesn’t get the garbage out in time for collection and it was an agreed chore of theirs, don’t nag them about it. Point out that the job wasn’t done and that you expect them to do it next week or, as agreed, they will be losing time on the computer.

If something they have done, or not done, upsets you, think about why you are upset. Try to be objective and take the emotion out the situation.

“Sally just slouched off to her room without clearing the table. Honestly, she treats this place like a hotel! She doesn’t think about anyone but herself. I’ve been slaving away at work all day, cooked dinner, and she just picks at it and then wanders off without a word. If she thinks she can get away with that she’s got another thing coming!!”

Is it one of her agreed chores? Does it really matter? Is she under a lot of pressure with school at the moment? Is the real problem that you are feeling put upon, over worked and in need of some pampering or time to yourself?

It’s hard to not just blow up. Have a go at breaking it down, and letting the unimportant things slide.

Don’t expect to achieve it every time. You’re only human. Just try for some of the time.

Put some work into your relationship with your teenager and continue to enjoy your time together. Keep talking to teens and taking part in their lives.

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